The video challenges common misconceptions about sexuality and highlights the importance of understanding sexual desire as both a spontaneous and responsive phenomenon. Traditionally, many were taught to expect spontaneous desire in any relationship, without acknowledging responsive desire, which arises in response to pleasure. This new perspective helps people recognize their type of desire and move beyond the notion that they have a desire problem.

The history of sex therapy is traced from Masters and Johnson's model to the more comprehensive triphasic model introduced by Helen Singer Kaplan. The focus shifts to the dual control model by Eric Janssen and John Bancroft which highlights how the sexual response involves both an accelerator for sexual excitement and brakes that may inhibit sexual desire due to stress, body image, or relationship issues. Understanding and managing these factors is crucial for cultivating a satisfying sexual experience.

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Key Vocabularies and Common Phrases:

1. spontaneous [spɑnˈteɪniəs] - (adjective) - Happening or arising without apparent external cause; impulsive. - Synonyms: (instinctive, impulsive, unplanned)

So how most of us think about sexual desire is as a spontaneous desire, where you're just, like, walking down the street, you have a stray, sexy thought.

2. responsive [rɪˈspɑnsɪv] - (adjective) - Reacting quickly and positively to a stimulus or suggestion. - Synonyms: (reactive, receptive, answering)

...but there's also responsive desire, where instead of it just appearing like a lightning bolt, it emerges in response to pleasure.

3. arousal [əˈraʊzl] - (noun) - The state of being awake or reactive to stimuli; particularly heightened excitement or alertness. - Synonyms: (stimulation, excitement, alertness)

The first is grounded in the work of Masterson Johnson, whose fundamental four phase model of sexual response was what sex therapy was based on. But when you listen to those phases, you've got arousal, plateau, orgasm, refractory period.

4. inhibitory [ɪnˈhɪbɪtɔri] - (adjective) - Serving to restrain or limit action; preventing or slowing action. - Synonyms: (restraining, suppressive, restrictive)

...there's the sexual excitation system, or accelerator, and there's the sexual inhibitory system, or breaks.

5. empathy [ˈɛmpəθi] - (noun) - The ability to understand and share the feelings of another. - Synonyms: (compassion, understanding, sympathy)

The mindset to bring to the process of coming to understand who you are as a sexual person and how you came to be this person, is to turn toward your own internal experience with kindness and compassion.

6. refractory period [ˈrɪfræktəri ˈpɪriəd] - (noun) - A period immediately following stimulation during which a nerve or muscle is unresponsive to further stimulation. - Synonyms: (rest period, recovery phase, reset interval)

arousal, plateau, orgasm, refractory period. You know what's missing in that desire.

7. kinsey institute [ˈkɪnzi ˌɪnstɪˈtjuːt] - (proper noun) - A renowned research institute at Indiana University known for its studies on human sexuality. - Synonyms: (sexual research center, Indiana University research body)

And then Eric Janssen and John Bancroft at the kinsey institute had the wacky idea that sex works in the brain...

8. erotic [ɪˈrɑtɪk] - (adjective) - Concerning or arousing sexual desire or excitement. - Synonyms: (sensual, sexual, amorous)

And I am interested in exploring the ways that we can deepen our erotic connection.

9. smoldering [ˈsmoʊldərɪŋ] - (adjective) - Burning slowly without a flame; having or showing barely suppressed anger or other powerful feelings. - Synonyms: (simmering, seething, brooding)

It's not about spark. What I want is smoldering embers for anyone in a long term relationship.

10. stimulation [ˌstɪmjʊˈleɪʃən] - (noun) - The action of arousing interest, enthusiasm, or excitement. - Synonyms: (excitement, motivation, arousal)

It's not usually because there's inadequate stimulation to the accelerator, it's because there is too much stimulation to the brakes.

Good sex explained in 9 minutes - Dr. Emily Nagoski

Virtually everything we're taught about sexuality for the first two decades of our lives is wrong. A lot of us were raised in what I started calling the desire imperative, that you have an obligation to experience spontaneous, sparky desire for your partner and to sustain spontaneous, sparky desire for your partner all the time. And so there's a lot of advice about how to keep the spark alive. And what I want to say is, through the spark.

So how most of us think about sexual desire is as a spontaneous desire, where you're just, like, walking down the street, you have a stray, sexy thought. You see a stray sexy person, kaboom. You just want the sex. And that absolutely is one of the normal, healthy ways to experience sexual desire. spontaneous desire, it emerges in anticipation of pleasure, but there's also responsive desire, where instead of it just appearing like a lightning bolt, it emerges in response to pleasure. Just that information alone can resolve people's sexual desire problems because they realize they don't have a desire problem, they just have responsive desire. So it's not about figuring out where the pleasure is. It's finding a pathway to the pleasure.

I'm Emily Ngoski. I'm a sex educator, and I'm the author of Come as you, the surprising new science that will transform your sex life. And, like, it actually does. Boom mics are really funny when you're talking about sex. Just the boom mic was moving, and I'm talking about sex, and I'm in that mindset, and it's funny to me. So the history of the science of sex therapy really has three major phases. The first is grounded in the work of Masterson Johnson, whose fundamental four phase model of sexual response was what sex therapy was based on. But when you listen to those phases, you've got arousal, plateau, orgasm, refractory period. You know what's missing in that desire.

So when Helen singer Kaplan came along in the 1970s, she noticed that desire was nowhere in the model they were using to treat sexuality. So she created the desire arousal orgasm model, the triphasic model, and it was revolutionary to add desire. So now we can develop interventions targeting specifically when and how much people want sex. And then Eric Janssen and John Bancroft at the kinsey institute had the wacky idea that sex works in the brain just like all the other things in our brain, which is that it is a pairing.

And it's called the dual control model, because it's got two primary parts. There's the sexual excitation system, or accelerator, and there's the sexual inhibitory system, or breaks. Sex is far more a brain process than a genital process. Genitals can be fun. The brain is essential. You can't have sex without a brain.

So the sexual excitation system is colloquially, it's the accelerator or the gas pedal, and it notices all the sex related information in the environment. That's everything that you see, everything that you hear, smell, touch, taste, and crucially, all the sensations in your body and everything that you think, believe or imagine. What are some common things that activate people's accelerators? The sight of their partner, the smell of their partner, reading a sexy book or watching a sexy scene. And it sends the turn on signal that many of us are familiar with functions unconsciously, at a low level all the time. Here we are talking about sex, so there's just a little bit of sex related stimuli.

But fortunately, at the same time, your brakes, the inhibitory impulses, are noticing all the good reasons not to be turned on right now. And it turns out when people are struggling with any aspect of sexual response, pleasure, desire, arousal, orgasm, it's not usually because there's inadequate stimulation to the accelerator, it's because there is too much stimulation to the brakes. And a lot of them have nothing to do with the sex itself, but have to do with stress, body image, trauma, and relationship issues. So the process of becoming aroused is a dual process of turning on the ons and turning off the offs.

The dual control model sort of makes it sound like, touch me here, don't touch me that way. It could be as simple as that. But that's not how pleasure works. The perception of a sensation in our bodies as pleasurable or nothing depends on the context in which we experience it. And the context means the external circumstances and our internal state. External circumstances. The bedroom door is locked, we know we're not going to be interrupted. We're wearing the sexy underwear that makes us feel sexy. That's the external circumstances. The internal state is whether you are stressed, depressed, anxious, lonely, experiencing repressed rage. We've all got it.

So there can be certain kinds of stimulation that in one context feel amazing and in other contexts, make you want to punch somebody in the face. My usual example is tickling. If you are already in a fun, flirty, playful, aroused, trusting, loving frame of mind and you're certain someone tickles you, it's not everyone's favorite, but you can imagine a world where that feels playful and good and can even lead to other things. But if you're in the middle of a fight and they tickle you, it is going to be very irritating. What it's the same sensation, it's the same certain special someone. But the emotional context, by which I mean the actual activation in your brain, is different, and so your brain interprets the sensation as exactly the opposite.

Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term are not couples who constantly can't wait to, like, put their tongues in each other's mouths. They are the couples who know how to co create a context that allows both of their brains to have access to pleasure.

The most common reaction people have when they learn about the dual control model, especially in conjunction with responsive desire, is, why did no one tell me this before? It's a kind of freedom to know that you're already normal. You are not broken. Nothing is wrong. You just need to work to create a context that allows your particular brain to be ready to respond. The mindset to bring to the process of coming to understand who you are as a sexual person and how you came to be this person, is to turn toward your own internal experience with kindness and compassion. If you want to understand yourself, there are worksheets that you can do. There are lots of other books that you can read. Talk to a therapist.

Unfortunately, if you want to explore these ideas with a partner, you are going to have to talk to your partner about sex. And there are a lot of people who feel like having sex with their partner is a whole lot easier than talking about sex with that same partner. So really, what it comes down to is tips for how to talk to your partner about sex. And one of the positive frames that you can use is that you and I belong together in a sexual way.

And I am interested in exploring the ways that we can deepen our erotic connection. I want to know what works for you. I want to be able to tell you what works for me in a way that's going to feel good to you and not critical. It's not about spark. What I want is smoldering embers for anyone in a long term relationship so that it is banked and ready to stoke. And partners have a shared vocabulary for understanding how to stoke the fire, to bring it to life for the times when you are ready.

If I could have people remember only one thing, it would be pleasure is the measure. It is not how often you have sex, or who you have it with, or where you do it, or in what positions, or even how many orgasms you have. It's just whether or not you like the sex you are having and if everybody involved is glad to be there, free to leave with no unwanted consequences and likes the sex they are having, you're already doing it, right? And all the other pieces, all the other things that you could be worried about, like desire and orgasm, those things will fall into place when you put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well being.

Sexuality, Science, Education, Desire, Sex Therapy, Intimacy, Big Think