The video delves into the complexities of marriage dynamics in the modern world, reviewing how roles and expectations have shifted from past to present. The speaker highlights the historical context where women were often seen as a burden due to practices like the dowry system prevalent in various cultures. This system measured a woman's value based on the gifts she brought to her husband's family, resulting in women living "like a shadow," having to prove their worth as caregivers while sacrificing their careers and identities.

Today, positive changes in marriage dynamics have emerged, with women achieving higher education levels and gaining prominent societal and political roles. The speaker acknowledges the success of women's rights movements and equal decision-making between partners in marriages. However, despite progress, societal expectations still pressure women to excel in multiple roles simultaneously, illustrating an entrenched gender role socialization that dictates specific behaviors and expectations for both men and women from a young age.

Main takeaways from the video:

Please remember to turn on the CC button to view the subtitles.

Key Vocabularies and Common Phrases:

1. systemic [sɪˈstɛmɪk] - (adjective) - Relating to a system, especially as opposed to a particular part. - Synonyms: (structured, organized, comprehensive)

So today I decided to use a lens of two approach systemic as well socialization to help you to make sense and try to understand marriage dynamic from the past till today.

2. dowry [ˈdaʊri] - (noun) - Property or money brought by a bride to her husband on their marriage. - Synonyms: (bridal gift, marriage settlement, bride price)

I think you heard before dowry system, right?

3. facilitating [fəˈsɪlɪˌteɪtɪŋ] - (verb) - Making an action or process easy or easier. - Synonyms: (aiding, assisting, helping)

It's interesting how this concept of Gaoist system facilitating the perspective women become a burden because it values us.

4. perceived [pərˈsiːvd] - (verb) - Regarded in a specified way by someone else. - Synonyms: (viewed, seen, regarded)

In the past, women often being perceived as a burden.

5. exposure [ɪkˈspoʊʒər] - (noun) - The condition of being subject to some effect or influence. - Synonyms: (revelation, unveiling, disclosure)

Because women also have exposure a lot of knowledge how to make decisions together.

6. society's expectations [səˈsaɪɪti's ˌɛkspɛkˈteɪʃənz] - (phrase) - The standards or behaviors expected by a community or culture. - Synonyms: (social standards, community norms, cultural expectations)

But somehow. Somehow the society expectation to a woman remain there.

7. dynamics [daɪˈnæmɪks] - (noun) - The forces or properties that stimulate growth, development, or change within a system. - Synonyms: (interactions, processes, workings)

It's fascinating, right? So so much of progress the expectation toward women remain there. But how about the man? I would say that yes, there are a lot of similarities as well. Where we start to see.

8. enforcing [ɪnˈfɔːrsɪŋ] - (verb) - Compelling observance or compliance with a law, rule, or obligation. - Synonyms: (imposing, applying, implementing)

And what happened when reinforcing this?

9. space [speɪs] - (noun) - An emotional or metaphorical area free for self-expression. - Synonyms: (freedom, room, latitude)

I witness so many a man who break down and go and hug the kid and what do they say here? Man are cable to give that space.

10. partnership [ˈpɑːrtnərˌʃɪp] - (noun) - An arrangement where parties agree to cooperate to advance their mutual interests. - Synonyms: (association, collaboration, coalition)

A lot of people say this to me, oh, Nicole, if I my husband being a good husband's husband, he have to be agree with me in everything. That's where called partnership.

Marriage dynamics in the modern world - Dr. Nicole Chen - TEDxHELP University

So today's topic is about marriage dynamic in the modern world. It is a very tricky topic because I need to ask myself which land I talk about. So today I decided to use a lens of two approach systemic as well socialization to help you to make sense and try to understand marriage dynamic from the past till today.

In the past, marriage and woman. Marriage dynamic between women and men in terms of relationship is very fascinating how far we came from past to today. In the past, women often being perceived as a burden. Why? Because it always comes with the value how much you as a woman can bring into the man family. I think you heard before dowry system, right? So dowry system is a form of gift that women have to bring to the male or the groom family. And in our culture, this culture is very much common practice in Asia context. So let's talk about. In Indian culture we call dahij in Hindi. In Chinese we call Jia zhuang. Okay. In Malay we call handaran. And it's interesting how this concept of Gaoist system facilitating the perspective women become a burden because it values us. How much you as a woman come into my family. The much more value you are in terms of the gift your parents give to me mean that you are valuable as a person.

So you can see in the first hand woman being perceived and being measured based on how much the gift the man receives and being end there. And when the woman moving on to going to the family together with her husband and what happened we start to have this perspective. The woman have to work super duper hard to prove themselves in the family. They have to prove themselves excellent mother. Yeah. They also prove themselves excellent wife and prove themselves as a excellent caregiver. And often women have to sacrifice their career pathway to just catering for all this needs.

So what happened leading into where women start to have to co hide themselves from the man or from their family? I call like a shadow woman living like a shadow in the past. Why? Because woman's success is all based on how successful the children, how successful the husband, but not them. And that how women survive living like a shadow for many many years. Yeah. And that's what happened. Women had went through. Yeah. Being perceived as being valued based on the dowry. And after they go into the family they bring value how good they are as a caregiver. There's so much thing that women have went through.

But how about now do women went through the same thing? I would say the good news is so much things have changed. Yeah. Nowadays we start to see that women are much more highly educated. And I have to give credit to women's activists centuries of hard work to make this happen. To make women voice to be heard. And finally today we have women men highly educated and in liberty. Even higher education statistics can show that women are much more in higher population pursuing higher education. Yeah. Not just living to Malaysia, but many, many countries. It's a very good achievement. We're really proud of that.

And that also have fascinating. So much achievement in women, not only just in the family. Now we see women in the societal. We start to see women achieve in economical. I also start to see women achieve in political and be very proud of this achievement. Another thing that I'm really very proud as well that women no longer live like a shadow. Now you can see that husband and wife are making decisions together. No longer just limited my husband I decide. But nowadays decision come together. Because women also have exposure a lot knowledge how to make decisions together. A lot of partnership come in that way.

But fascinating. All this growth and all this achievement we have. But somehow. Somehow the society expectation to a woman remain there. Have you heard before that now woman you not just have to be excellent mother, you also have to be excellent caregiver. You still be excellent. I don't know many more excellent expats or looking good. Yeah, you have to good looking good mother, good wife. What? Of course good daughter.

And it's fascinating, right? So so much of progress the expectation toward women remain there. But how about the man? I would say that yes, there are a lot of similarities as well. Where we start to see. Men are expected to earn for the family. Men are expected to fight for the family. But the problem is this form of society rule where all this comes from.

This is where leading to my discussion today. How we being socialized and the cupid of causing all this gentle socialization is the way how we socialize the society. Let's talk about simple example. When we raise our daughter, when we raise our son. Let's look into a toy section. You look into the toy section. Especially the girl section. What we see dog cooking. Some more. Many more. Keep remind woman. Hey, lady. Learning how to cook. Learning how to care for your family. Learning how to do this. Okay, this is what they expected to you.

Let's go to the boy section. What? Usually the boy section we have policeman, uniform, fire, butter or weapons to defend. And what we try to tell the boy you are role to protect your family. You are the role to serve outside. And this is really start reinforcing even the child who is so young. And what happened when reinforcing this? So we reinforcing the woman. You are born to just begin care of caregiving role. Boy, you are just born to become a protector for the family, earn money for your family. That's what is expected. And what happened will lead to the dynamic of relationship.

Today for me as a family therapist, I want to share with all of you some of the experiences I had as a family therapist or couple therapists. I have to be very honest with you. I felt really, really sad. So when I have women, you know, sharing with me, I can't trust my husband. Why he never dared for me to hold the space for me. How you expect me to trust him to able to hold spade for our kids never ever? I don't think so. And this lady did some of the story that I hear and also hear man.

You know what the man say to me? Nicole? It's not. I don't want to hold the spray for my wife. It's not about to hold the spray for my kid. I don't know how the moment I felt they were in pain. I only feel the shame. I'm protected for this family. But what made me cause so much pain to them? Why? I don't want to know. It scared me to know so such that I decided not to know. I decided to withdraw myself. But it's very common that how men see themselves. And it's frustrating because we know to make a marriage work, we need each other.

And we know that society already had an expectation where women have to be perfect in anything. And women do have high center. It's set by the society because they have no choice. Because society telling them so such sometime come to marriage dynamic. I will have women say, you know, he just go out and earn money and then he comes home. He don't do anything. I don't do everything right. It's burning out. And I agree with you a lot of mother burning out.

But the question is let lady true men want to do or men were not given a chance to do. Whether men are not given opportunity to learn and why I say this expand because I had witnessed so many times in my session with my client. You give the woman and men a child to learn how to hold space emotionally for their partner and their family. They are capable to do so. I really mean it. Why say that I bring so many men in the Session break down and cry holding their kid and say to the kid it's okay, daddy will be here with you.

Yeah, I know it's difficult but we go through together. I witness so many a man who break down and go and hug the kid and what do they say here? Man are cable to give that space. Men are capable to be caregiver. Men are capable for so many things but somehow society don't allow them. And for women I witness that too. And I think women may know that we somehow been trained so well to hold space for others so such that we often able to do that.

So I'm not too much worried about women not capable to do that. But I think the concern is more sometimes women overdo it. Yeah. To the extent you burn out, to the extent that you felt you had nothing to give because it takes so much of your energy and resources. That's why here I want everyone help like to even make change in this society and how we're going to do it. Change the way how we socialize people around us. Change the way how we socializing our kids because that will make a big big difference to change the dynamic of the marriage that we have seen and big witness today.

Because it's sad to know that there are so many times I have witnesses couples who came and seek help in their 50, in their 60. I even had couples came and see me in their 80s. Why children couldn't take it. They don't know how to host pay their parents. They both fighting when the children are no longer there. So what I'm trying to say here is parents when we are keep letting this what's going on now the children will witness whatever is going on and children believe that my husband would never able to hold his faith for me.

And the woman will also believe that my husband will never able to hold the spirit in the same thing reinforcing their perspective to men. They were never able to hold the space for us. When we try to do that they will be forcing the withdrawing. So here I'm requesting everyone here let's do something for the ladies here. I would like to request you. It's okay not to be perfect in everything. It's okay. No need to try to prove yourself and achieve everything because when we do that, we try to tell our daughter girl, this is what you needed to face.

Girl, this is what the world going to be. We do not want our daughter feel that way. Right. So such that for you to able to do that I need you to trust the man coming in. I need to trust the men that they are capable to be trained how to care for their family. They need to be given a chance to learn how to care.

And for the gentleman here, my request for you to able to assure your partner, your wife, your daughter. No need to be superwoman. No need to be super daughter. No need to be super in everything. You are loved unconditionally. No need try to define yourself the way how society defines you. With this, you make the woman feeling valued as a person. And they learn to able to appreciate. Men are capable to offer that space for them. So that changed a lot of things. The dynamic of the relationship.

It would be so nice, right? End of the day, you're able to come in together to support this relationship. You know, a lot of people say this to me, oh, Nicole, if I my husband being a good husband's husband, he have to be agree with me in everything. That's where called partnership. Right? The same thing. Man will say that, no, my wife have to be agree with all these things we plan to do as wife. That's called partnership. Right?

The perspective. partnership mean that in the general society, perspective or partnership mean that always there forever being saved. Unity, a meaningful relationship. Come in. Allow your partner to take the lead when he needed to take the lead. If you are tired as a man, it's okay. Your wife can take the lead. If you're tired as a woman, it's okay. Let your husband take the lead. The most important trust their leading. And that when you trust relationship.

When you build a trust in the relationship, you build trust from the relationship to your children. The children need to trust the relationship to make a difference. And that's what makes a big difference. So I hope with all this effort we made our daughter. You say to me say to you, mommy, Daddy, I'm not scared to be woman. You kind of cool, you know wooden wood. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking forward to being a woman.

I want to be. You've been really, really meaningful for a son to say to us that, Mom, I think it's not so bad to be a man. Yeah, I think man can do a lot of things at the same time. We can hold space for our loved one. I think this is what I hope by us effort come together to able to make the change and such that we create a better society for us and for our children.

EDUCATION, SOCIALIZATION, PHILOSOPHY, GENDER ROLES, FAMILY DYNAMICS, RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, TEDX TALKS