The video explores the profound topic of identity through the personal narrative of a speaker who shares her own experiences and struggles in discovering who she is. Growing up with an absent father and a distant mother, she grapples with feelings of shame and the lack of a clear self-identity. Her story takes viewers through her formative years filled with challenges and instances like adopting the name "Jessica" at a young age to feel accepted.

Through her narrative, the speaker invites an introspective look at what constitutes identity. She encourages viewers to consider identity as not merely a combination of tangible traits like names and backgrounds but as a tapestry created from life's experiences, relationships, and emotions. This unique perspective challenges traditional perceptions of identity and emphasizes the complexity of understanding who we are.

Main takeaways from the video:

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Key Vocabularies and Common Phrases:

1. mammoth [ˈmæməθ] - (adjective) - Extremely large or enormous. - Synonyms: (gigantic, massive, colossal)

This journey has been mammoth.

2. courage [ˈkɜːrɪdʒ] - (noun) - The ability to do something that frightens one; bravery. - Synonyms: (bravery, valor, fortitude)

I've had to dig really, really deep within myself to find the courage to be here on this spot in front of you all.

3. seared [sɪrd] - (verb) - To burn or scorch the surface of something intensely and immediately. - Synonyms: (burned, scorched, charred)

I was told daily those words really seared into my mind as a small child and they would impact the rest of my life.

4. resonated [ˈrɛzəˌneɪtɪd] - (verb) - To evoke or suggest images, memories, and emotions. - Synonyms: (echoed, reverberated, struck a chord)

That really resonated with me.

5. tapestry [ˈtæpɪstri] - (noun) - A rich and intricate combination of images or elements, often metaphorically linked to the complexity of life. - Synonyms: (fabric, web, mosaic)

What if, in actual fact, there's a rich tapestry of many, many things?

6. earnestly [ˈɜrnɪstli] - (adverb) - With sincere and intense conviction; seriously. - Synonyms: (sincerely, seriously, solemnly)

And I looked up earnestly and said, jessica.

7. claim [kleɪm] - (verb) - To assert one's right to something; to declare ownership. - Synonyms: (assert, affirm, state)

But I was never able to claim it.

8. poised [pɔɪzd] - (adjective) - Having a composed and self-assured manner. - Synonyms: (composed, balanced, self-assured)

She picked up a pen and stood poised, ready to write my name.

9. facial expressions [ˈfeɪʃəl ɪkˈsprɛʃənz] - (noun) - The configuration of facial muscles to convey emotions, reactions, or intentions. - Synonyms: (nonverbal communication, gesture, face language)

Think about your language. Think about your facial expressions, your tone of voice.

10. impact [ˈɪmpækt] - (verb) - To have a strong effect on something or someone. - Synonyms: (affect, influence, alter)

I was told daily those words really seared into my mind as a small child and they would impact the rest of my life.

Lessons on Identity from a place of shame - Sonita Tuner - TEDxWalthamstow

I was actually going to start by saying I almost didn't make it here, but actually I almost didn't make it through that door just now. This journey has been mammoth. I've had to work really, really hard, I've had to dig really, really deep within myself to find the courage to be here on this spot in front of you all. It looks so easy when you watch it on YouTube. I can tell you, I can assure you it's really not. It takes a lot. It takes a hell of a lot. But I'm here. I'm here. And the beautiful thing is this has always been my dream. This has always been something I wanted to do in my life. I didn't expect it to come this soon, but it's here. I had no idea what it was going to feel like. I do now.

So I'm going to be talking to you today about identity and it's going to be in a way that you may not have heard it talked about before. And in order to do that, I have to begin by telling you a secret. And that secret is, I don't actually know who I am. I don't know who I am. I do know that I was born in the seventies to an English Irish mother, single mother. And I was told that my father was an Asian man with a jolly personality. I like to think I've got that. I like to think I took that. I never met him, though, and to this day, I still don't know his name. My mum decided to take that with her to the grave. But I spent my life always wondering, could I have been a daddy's girl? What would that have felt like? Because, you see, the thing is, I knew I definitely wasn't a mummy's girl. She made that clear from the very beginning.

As soon as I could talk and as soon as I could understand words, it was made very clear to me that I was unwanted, unloved and shouldn't have been worn in the first place. I was told daily those words really seared into my mind as a small child and they would impact the rest of my life. They impacted the adolescent, the young adult, the adult even that you see standing before you today. You see, for as long as I can remember, I've always carried this overwhelming weight of shame. I've always felt shame for existing, shame for taking up space, shame for being me, even though I didn't really know what being me was or meant.

One of my earliest memories was being five years old in primary school and a substitute teacher was teaching us that day and she asked us to paint pictures. I was really creative as a little girl and I still am. I still am. And I painted something. I don't remember exactly what I painted, but I do vividly remember that teacher's reaction to it, her facial expressions. She was smiling, she was praising me, telling me what a gifted and talented little girl I was and how the picture was so lifelike. And I went from being tiny five-year-old to suddenly feeling six-foot tall, beaming from ear to ear, giggling and soaking up all of her attention.

And then in an instant, it all came to a halt as she turned around and asked me, but you haven't put your name on it yet. She picked up a pen and stood poised, ready to write my name. I froze. In that moment, I knew I couldn't possibly tell her my name because then she's going to know I'm not fully English, I'm half of something else. And that half, I've already been taught that half is something dirty, something disgusting, something disappointing. So as she stood there poised with the pen, looking at me, waiting, I stretched my little neck just to try and see over her shoulder at all the coat pegs on the wall. And as I scanned all the names, I tried to find the most English name I could find, which actually wasn't that hard in a 1980s classroom.

And then my eyes fell upon a red and blue jacket and the name above that jacket said Jessica. So I looked around at the teacher, she looked down, so what is your name? And I looked up earnestly and said, Jessica. She said, oh, what a lovely name and what a great painting. Well done, Jessica. She wrote my name. That memory for me now as an adult is really moving because it was a rare moment in those years where I was able to receive praise for something that I'd done, something that I'd done really well, but I was never able to claim it. And so that painting remains Jessica's success.

I realise, looking back now, that I spent my childhood fully focused on just simply staying alive. And when you're in that mental state, it's hard to develop a sense of self, it's hard to develop an identity when all you know is you've just got to get through today. Someone said to me recently, I want to start practicing self love, but I don't know who I am, so I don't know what to love. That really resonated with me. I really felt that it can be hard. It can be hard to try to find your place in a world when everyone seems to already know exactly who they are and what they're doing. I find myself always constantly trying to justify my existence, trying to give my presence purpose. When I enter a room, when I get on a bus.

Here's the thing. I've been thinking a lot lately. What if identity isn't just your name, where you come from, your values, your belief system? What if it's more than that? What if it's all the little parts, all the little bits of your life that you experience? What if your identity is made up of every single person you've ever loved? A little bit of every person you've ever lost? A little bit of all the moments that have hurt, but in equal measure, a little bit of all the moments that have brought you joy? What if we are made up of all of these things and more? What if there isn't just one solid identity? What if, in actual fact, there's a rich tapestry of many, many things?

I still don't know who I am, but what if that's okay? What if just being? Just being. What if just being me is enough? I know that I'm kind. I know that I'm caring. I'm a sister, I'm a friend, a neighbour, partner, mother, a grandmother. I'm all those things. Let's take this room, for instance. Right now, there's potentially a hundred new versions of me in this room. Because every single one of you will. We have created a version of me in your minds. But that version of me will be based on your sense of identity, your experiences in your life and your stories. And actually, I'd quite like to see all those versions of me through your eyes. They'd be pretty amazing.

If there's a lesson that I've learned from my story, it is to think about how you talk around your children. Think about the words that you use. Think about your language. Think about your facial expressions, your tone of voice. Think about how you express the things that you don't like. Because children are little sponges and they take on all of that information. It doesn't matter how young they are, they take on that information. And all of those messages become the little pieces of their identity.

I told you it'd taken everything I've got to be here, didn't I? I wasn't lying. I wasn't lying. My journey continues. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life trying to figure out who I am, where I belong. And maybe that's okay. I know in this space with all of you, I'm safe. I'm Sunita. I'm here. I'm going to leave you with a final question. If I was to ask all of you today, who are you? What would your answer be?

IDENTITY, PERSONAL GROWTH, SELF-DISCOVERY, EDUCATION, INSPIRATION, MOTIVATION, TEDX TALKS